Working It

Having been dragged from the dungeons of stocking, into the light of customer service, I can say with unmitigated certitude, SuperFantabulous is NOT consumer friendly. Every interaction with any customer ends in the terrible everlasting sting of awkwardness. Me pretending like I want to help people is definitely the most embarrassing thing ever.

Example. Today I had an retail encounter that nearly killed me.

A couple came in. A skinny guy and his girlfriend who was *not skinny at all*.

He came over to me, thinking I might be helpful in some way.

Him: Do you have any tunics?

What. The. Fuck.

Me: You mean, like, a shawl?

He looked to his girlfriend to enlighten me, fashion illiterate curmudgeon that I am.

Her: It's kind of like a loose robe.

Why are we shopping at FuckingCapris for Jesus wear?

Me: We have some really big sweaters up front.

I said before I realized it kinda sounded like I was calling her fat, even though I was just trying to think of the most tunic-like thing we had!! I resolved to be more careful with what I said next.

Me: They're super loose and roomy.

Shut up!!

Me: Here they are. They're, like, the widest ones we have.

SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!

Me: Oh wait! Those over there are even bigger! How about those?

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!! SHUT! UP! NOW!

Her: . . . ok?

I shoved the sweater in her unwilling arms and abruptly turned away. I walked as far from her as I possibly could. I really hoped I never, ever saw her again. I was mortified. Maybe she was too. I have no way of knowing. I ran away like the skinny little bitch that I am before I could see the look on her face.

Then ten minutes later I saw her in the fitting room.

I forced myself to smile at her. She did not smile back. And she did not buy that ginormous sweater.